” Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard “women and children first”. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands”
“Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family”
“Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. [types something] ‘Little Kid Lover’. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.”
“Todd Packer and I are total B.F.F.s, Best Friends Forever. We came up together in sales, one time we went to a bar and met these set of twins. And Packer said that we were brothers, one thing lead to another, and we took them to our hotel room…and Packer did BOTH of them!…It was awesome! ”
“And, even though we’re still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And, at some point, the daddy can’t take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam, as much as I might want to”
“I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.”
“When I said that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”
Lamenting Jim’s decision to change jobs: “I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It’s like with fireman: You don’t leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.”
“I didn’t hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.”
“Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly…she’s not yo’ ho no mo’.”
‘You’ll notice I didn’t have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive…no pun intended. But I just thought, ‘too soon’ for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball’s in their court”
“I don’t need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam’s mom. My aunt–although she just blocked me on IM. What’s her face, from Quizno’s? I see her four times a week.”
Oscar: [of Mexican descent] I can play [basketball] if you need any help. Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Michael Scott: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I’m talking about. Stanley: That’s not what a hate crime is. Michael Scott: Well I hated it, alot! Ok… I… you know what… if the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment we’d be done. (everybody looks around at each other)
An employee will go home and ask his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” “No man. I mean I slave all day and no one notices.” Next thing you know, he smells something funny from his neighbor’s house. Neighbor hanged himself due to lack of recognition.
“Do I want to be feared or loved? Um… easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me”
” I’m friends with everybody in this office. We’re all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren’t dentist appointments, and that is when it’s nice to let them know that you could beat them up”.