In case you’re not on it yet, yesterday we launched a contest to see who could come up with the craziest blurb for D-Sisive’s wikipedia page. The best entries receive guest list (free entry) to Derek’s performance tonight in Hamilton, where you will also catch Muneshine and other Ontario-based emcees.
Below are some of the more outstanding entries that have thus far been wikied. After reading to giggle and get your competitive side riled up, head over to the wiki page, create an account (it’s easy), and proceed to get your Mark Twain on. Then send your penmanship to music@thecomeupshow to collect your massively amazing prize.
7. “The Rumors”
There have been wide spread rumors surrounding the career of the one known as D-Sisive, rumors such as he has never written a rhyme? Yes its true as he hides his face behind a mask so does he hide the true identity of the man who writes his rhymes. The truth is that the real mastermind behind the lines that D-Sisive rambles on stage is the work of one Kyle Lundie. “He who holds greatness will forever hold the love of the world in his palm. Long live greatness. Long Live Lundie”- God. If god says it, it must be true. You can even find a couple of videos on youtube where Lundie performs the lines himself, shocking I know. Another little known secret about Canada’s least listened to artist is his love for the musical artist Ke$ha. He has stated in interviews that the opposite is true but I have uncovered evidence to the contrary. Evidence in the form of a receipt from Sonic Boom record store for the album “Animal” as well as rumors he has been working on a remix to the single “Tik Tok”. If that was not enough the rapper D-Sisive in another surprising twist has decided to change his name again, this time to the moniker Matt Foley and he will write about how to motive the youth after drinking coffee for nine hours in his new home…a van down by the river.
6. “D-Sisive’s Battle with Maple Syrup Addiction”
At this point, nearly anybody who is familiar with Derek’s music is also very aware of his struggle with M.S.A. D-Sisive has become the posterboy for this life threatening and heart breaking disease. Between his appearance on Much Music with brown syrup dried all over his face or the many photos posted to Facebookof D-Sisive chugging entire bottles of Aunt Jemima‘s addictive nectar backstage at shows, this has been a growing concern for his fans. Many followers have noticed that if you listen closely on the album Jonestown, you can hear Syrup burps in the vocals on several of the tracks. Some have speculated this is the reason the album was released free. D-Sisive is currently claiming to be 100% syrup clean, he even posted photos of dry Eggo waffles on his twitter page but there have been reports circulating about a recent incident at a Golden Griddle restaurant in downtown Toronto. Support Derek by donating to hiswww.LeggoMySyrup.ca campaign.
5. “The Battleship Incident”
In March of 2007, Christoff engaged in a heated match of the the popular Naval strategy game Battleship with enigmatic Presbyterian and noted heckler Basil Sorbet. Mr. Sorbet – fresh off his ‘Glean These Pipes’ tour with Kentucky drone band ‘Out To Lunch’ – was beasting hardcore, and giving Christoff a proper rogering. Christoff – who usually has the constitution of an experienced chess master – began to sweat and curse and buckle and foam. The shaken yet not stirred Christoff prematurely reached for a red peg and announced ‘B4’ in a desperate attempt to hit what he guessed was his opponents submarine. But it was all for naught, as his ordinance dashed upon the black waters, crashing below the waves for the sake of no man’s God. Mr. Sorbet retaliated with a prompt ‘F8’, which resulted in a fatal hit on Christoff’s severely crippled aircraft carrier. This, as it turned out, was the straw. A line had been in the sand, and Christoff was no mug to be toggled with. He shifted his weight to and fro and began to ‘sizzle his vision’, causing a rift in the air-conditioned room and searing a bare patch into the thick carpet with his robotic gaze. Christoff proceeded to rise high on his haunches, extended his arms akimbo, and swung his mallet-like fists directly into the aforementioned game of ocean warfare. The force of the blow sent the game flying through time and space, an explosion of pegs and plastic boats scattered across the vaulted sky, the shattered board marred the fine oak wainscoting. Christoff uttered a menacing “Adios”, and walked out the door with the sun wavering behind him. 3 weeks later, Mr.Sorbet’s cat, Charlatan Heston, choked on one of the pegs that ended up under the chaise lounge and died en route to the animal hospital. When Sorbet approached Christoff to help pay for the disposal of the creature, Christoff replied “Your cat, your bill”, and rode off on his Indian motorcycle, his jean jacket and many chains flapping in the dawn wind. It is rumoured that Christoff returned to his canyon in the north, where he consumed fire, and devoured the whole enchilada.
D-Sisive has been referenced in numerous television shows, from The Brady Bunch, to, more recently, Dog the Bounty Hunter. In Season Two of the crime documentary serial, D-sisive appeared in an episode as Bar Patron Number Three. He was also featured in the pilot of the long-running comedy Friends. D-sisive was later replaced by Matt LeBlanc in the role of Joey, after being deemed “too epic” for the character. The most prominent example of D-sisive in Western culture, however, appears in the blockbuster film Avatar. Many bloggers and critics have noted that the Na’vi’s defence of their home planet Pandora appears to be loosely based on D-sisive’s career from the late 90’s, a period the rapper describes simply as “hanging out”. Anonymous sources have stated, however, that D-sisive was known to be flying creatures which resembled dragons in the Brazilian rainforest and using highly advanced technology against mining companies searching for the poorly named mineral “unobtainium”. The film’s director James Cameron has refused to comment on these similarities.
2. “The Wild Elephant Intervention”
Christoff spent many days and nights in his northern Canyon consuming nothing but fire in his quest for greatness. During this period of isolation and solitude Christoff had grown an immense beard which he would spend day and night stroking while reveling in his awesomeness. One sunny morning Christoff left the canyon in search of a transsexual Elephant with mystical powers that he had recently visited him in a dream. Channeling the energy of the earth Christoff was transported to this Elephant. The Elephant told Christoff that it was seeking his help in kicking a nasty heroin addiction and was told that Christoff was also a great healer. Christoff sensing a duty to help such a marvelous creature agreed and subsequently helped the mystical beast get clean. The Elephant had no possessions or money to give Christoff, however, the mystical Elephant blessed Christoff with a never ending supply of Maple Syrup – nectar, tapped from a sacred tree that resides on the plantation owned by the mystical Elephant. It is said that one sip of this syrup can drive the average man to immediate insanity as it’s potency and sugar content are unsafe for the consumption of mere mortals.
1. “Life Beginnings”
Christoff was born into the world by a virgin mother during what is known as the “immaculate conception period” on planet earth. At the age of 8 months he was thrown out of the house for making what one could only call beat-boxing sounds with his mouth. As he was crawling down the street he came across a pack of Ostriches who took him in and raised him as their own, teaching him the ways of the Ostrich. As he started to grow into an adolescent he became more and more curious of what was going on in the outside world. He constantly had thoughts that the ostriches couldn’t understand. One day at the age of 15 he decided it was time to leave the safety of the alpha ostrich and go out into the world he knew nothing about. As he was walking through the street one day he heard a noise that sounded familiar from his youth and turned to look to see what it was. To his amazement it was a man making those same sounds with his mouth that he had made as a child, he then began to bob his head like an ostrich. He approached the man asking him why he was making that noise and the man said its the music I make. D-Sisive christoff asked what is music? The man replied whatever you want it to be. This became the starting point of the career of who would later become the Canadian Law firm D-Sisive christoff.
* Entries 2 and 3 added at 4:20. Contest closes at 8pm.